Summer Holidays

Yehahhhhhhhhhhhh the school holidays are upon us. Actually the two big girls broke up about 2 weeks ago but the Galanites finish tomorrow.

So what has been happening at Chez Billy and MrsF? King loads is the reply. I have been back to blighty twice for probate hearings and to sort out flogging her house. The Courts Service who do the probate have been spot on and to be fair to Old Bid she left everything in number one order. My advice to people who are thinking of dying is dont ponce about with trust funds and this clever scheme and that smart move because all you are doing is making money for solicitors, and they are lazy parasitic bastards who charge you a fortune for sweet FA. No keep it simple and think how easy it for my next of kin to sort all this out?

So apart from jetting back and forth from Carcassonne and East Midlands I have actually got to grips with the swimming pool and it is clean and full of water. I may have mentioned that we had a problem last year with the pool paint which underwent some weird chemical reaction and started peeling off. It had been my intention to strip it off and repaint it. However apart from the little matter of the repairing back and pelvis, the weather had been pretty naf to say the least and you need dry conditions to paint it and several dry days for the paint to cure properly. Not a friggin hope this year. It rained almost constantly for a month and then bingo, it got hot. Not warm hot like 37c hot over night. Being the perfectionist that I am not I thought sod this for a game scrapped off the paint that would come off easily, clean it out and started filling it. The brutes were in there splashing about before the water had reached the first step. Actually it looks ok and it would seem that the paint has stopped peeling for the time being.

MrsF has been hard at work making costumes.  The first was for Matilde (Sabines daughter).  She was taking part in a horse show and the theme was the Middle Ages and Matilde decided to go as a knight.  MrsF volunteered to knock up a costume.  Ha.  Before she even threaded the poxy machine there were several trips to Tarbes for the pattern which they had to order as there is not much call for Knights costumes, then the material then soemthing else.  Fist thing MrsF did was to make a Knightly horse blanket – don’t ask.  Then the armour and chain mail.  I have to say she dont do things by halves.  The pattern was and I am putting this mildly kin complicated.  The midnight oil was burnt as the costume took shape.   Did Matilde say thank you when Julia gave it to her – No, not immediately  because she was beaming from ear to ear and couldn’t.  A smile says so much more than two letters can, especially when the kid in question cant stop smiling with pleasure.  Oh for the record when she stopped grining she did say thank you.

Next up it was a kimono.  In their last year at Galan the children do a project and most of them do some form of animal.  Claudia did the Coyote for some reason better known to Claudia.  She was ready to rock and roll by Christmas and knew her project almost off by heart.  Should any of you want o know anything about the bloody coyote I think we could all help as she ran it by us every day for months.  This year it was Floras turn and she decided to do about Japan. I dont know why she chose Japan but there you go.  Any road up in October last year we got some info off t’internet about the land of the rising nip.  Flora sat on it until about 2 weeks ago.  MrsF had already got the pattern for a Kimono and work started on that before Flora got cracking.  Her efforts were lack lustre and I speak as a slacker and as someone who leaves everything to the last minute.  I tell you how last minute is was, she printed it off on the morning she had to do it.  They say proper planning and preparation prevent piss poor performance – not where Rubs is concerned. oilly She breezed in with her Kimono and two words of Jap and gets an A+.  If that wasn’t bad enough Old Monsiuer Majaourou the heasd techer then lectures the class on how Flora was the only one to put in any effort.  I dont want to do my girl down but….what a Noilly Pratt he is.  Still there you go.

There have also been a fair degree of juvenile high jinks along the line.  Here is a sanp shot.

Some weeks ago I was contacted by the local college where Suzie is and asked by the student welfare bod about a family we are friendly with. Apparently the eldest son had told some of his mates that during a family row his mum had threatened him with a knife. The school knowing we knew them well and due to my former trade and calling called me in for my opinion, which I suppose this makes me a consultant now. I said I thought it was LOB and that although there had been some discord that I was aware of it was just not in mums temprement to be violent. The matter died a death, but then the second son who has been doing exams went awol because he had been refused a pass to a big fete/disco. He was refused a pass for sneaking out of the house at 3am the night before his exams to visit his girl friend. Suzie and Pierre (The foster boy) and some of their friends had gone to the fete and I went to pick them up at about 3am and was surprised to see Master X there. He did not resist arrest, but he was fairly well partied out.

I mention Pierre the Foster boy being at the Fete, because we had him for an extended 10 day period whilst his regular family were getting some R&R and boy do they need it. He has been a right tit to put it mildly. There has been much neferious goings on in Bonrepos of late and I believe Pierre to be responsible. Some time ago Pierre got the tin tack from his work placement scheme for stealing money from the till and from colleagues which amounts to about 5oo Euros in all. He has been forced to pay this back which has left him pretty short of readies. With me so far? Good. Now then, Pierre is a smoker nad has been since his loving ma and pa encouraged him to take upo the week aged 8.  They of course both died from lung cancer.  However without wedge Pierre cant buy himself any fags can he.  Well not then giuys and gals, there is a bunch of scroates who live in Bonrepos who on the face of it  are fairly respectable, but allegedly are in the cigarette smuggling business. They nip over to Spain, buy fags and grog bring them back to France and flog them on.

Now then they are near neighbours of the family Pierre normally lives with ie Martine. About 2 to 3 weeks ago somebody broke in to the fag smugglers barn and then their house. The old bill turned out but the householder said nothing had been nicked so that was that. Pierre has not been without fags since this little incident.

Theres more pop pickers, About a week later Pierre was found with 44 Euros in his pocket which he said came from his Gran, but it didn’t because we asked his Gran. Then he said it was his godmother who was on holiday- in Spain. So nobody was able to prove he was fibbing.

However a few days later it came to light that Pierres 82 year old widowed neighbour had been burgled and had had some money stolen. You don’t need to be Sherlock Holmes to guess how much, yep you’ve guessed it 44 Euros. Little shit. Social workers etc said there was insufficient proof etc. Broken back or no broken back I am a pensioner now so PACE and the rules of evidence and interrogation don’t apply to me. Thus I did speak unto him in my own particular style.

However, it doesn’t end there, oh no. Pierre was also doing his exams on the Thursday and Friday of last week. The students have to take their official identification and a certificate authorising them to do the exam. The day after he came to stay with us he suddenly remembered that he had left his paper back at Martines house. “Quelle Fromage what ham I tur dur, Bonnet de douche I wont be hable to ged de papers and do de hexam” exclaimed a less than distraught Pierre. “Actually my old son you will, because Martine gave me the papers before she went away” To say he looked miffed is an understatement. He was down but not out though,  and the day before the exam Pierre went to Julia in his Euriah Heap mode and said “Ju JU do you have my papers” MrsF says “No Pierre you know very well you had them with your id card” “Oh no what a problem I think I have lost them, maybe Suzie knows where they are”. Now then here is another top tip, if you are going to shred something and flush it down the bog, makes sure it has all gone and not left floating in the pan. It is not often MrsF get really cross but this was one of those rare times. One phone call later and a duplicate had been faxed across. The official at the Academy du Toulouse started to say it couldn’t be done and there was this problem and that problem. Mrs F cut her short and was firm and basically said that if wasn’t faxed over in the next few minutes she would go to the office and rip out the official’s liver and beat Pierre to death with it. Faced with such a persuasive argument all bureaucratic obstacles disappeared and lo it was faxed.

Pierre went and did the exam having done 30 minutes revision over the whole 10 days – he is ether a genius or a right lazy shit and I think his chances of passing are nigh on zero. Still you can only advise and at the end of the day he is not my kid so NMP.

Having done the exam he was fairly sure it had gone swimmingly and was actually elated on finishing, but his statement that he needed a rest due to the strain he had been under fell on deaf ears.

You will have gathered now that Pierre’s problems are getting worse and they are of his own making. In view of the stealing and other behavioural problems Martine has been restricting his movements and so Pierre felt he was hard done by and asked for a new family.

We were not prepared to have him full time and nor would anyone else. In fact before he was with Martine, Pierre had been with 6 other foster families all of whom could not cope with him. Anyone with half a brain would have realised that the chances iof finding somebody else locally to take on a lying, thieving, lazy, rat bag was slim, but Pierre was adamant he wanted another family. A foster family in Pau have agreed to accept him so he will be going there in August. He will be replaced by two brother aged 7 and 9.

Would you believe it Pierre is moaning like a blocked drain that it is a long way away and that he doesn’t know anyone or have any friends there. He was dripping on about this over a meal and it got too much for Suzie,  She is by in large is fairly easy going good nature lass but she does not suffer fools gladly. She snapped in her rapid fire French said “For Gods sake Pierre, you don’t have any friends here, because you keep stealing from them. You stole from Martine and her neighbours and by rights should be in prison. You asked for a different family and now you have got what you have asked for and you are still belly aching. You are lucky the people there don’t know you like we are all know you, you have a chance to start again and wipe the slate clean, but you wont because you are too stupid” There was silence and Claudia said “Could you pass the chicken please?”

On a lighter note we had the school fair last weekend. We prepared a lunch for 180 ish (Melon, ham grilled sausages and Mergez plus Haricot Tarbais (A sort of bean grown locally), followed by apple pie and washed down with red or rose. It was fair sumptuous repast. But the beans made me fart.
For the last few years I have had great success with my stall which is punish the pirate. This involves me dressing up like a pirate and standing in my home made stocks whilst kids throw wet sponges at me. The committee decided they were not going to let me do it because of my back and pelvis injuries, so instead we devised an assault course for pirates which was inspired by something I had seen at a Paras open day last year.

It was great success, but I am not sure that it was less tyring that being pelted with wet sponges. We had 100 recruits who all passed. All the parents were very pleased, but then I dont think they knew the full meaning of “Argh me hearties, move your scurvy arse you mangy son of a dog” and other similar pirate expressions. We were of course English Pirates and flew the Cross of St George and the skull and cross bones complete with white dagger.

Afterwards we cleared up and had a barbeque with what was left over and maybe one or two galss of red, or rose or both.

On Saturday it will be MrsF s birthday but we will be away on Holiday. We will breakfast in Toulouse, Lunch in London and dinner in Rome. However I arranged a surprise party for her last Tuesday. 28 of us kept the secret despite few near misses and she was a little taken aback when almost everyone turned up at the same time. A good night was had by all I think, because once I was done cooking burger, sausages, mergez and marinated belly pork I felt I was in need of a wee libation or two or three or wharehever hic. I dare say we will repeat the process when the deaths are out in mid July.

So off on Hols on Saturday, a week in Rome and then off to Scarborough. Of course we should have beenw ith granny an dit will be starnge her not actually being there but she will be and we will do what we do when we go to Scarborough and have a good time. The first time we took Suzie to St Jean du Luz she was about 4 years old. it was a wonderful sunny day, we were surrounded by the chic clothes and tanned bodies and the wonderful bare breasts. Did I mention the bare breasts. Suze was stretched out soaking up the sun whn she sat up and looked up and said “You know dad this is very nice, but its not Scarborough is it!” and lay back down again. Flora was also very dismissive of Biaritz as a small child and dismissed it as not being a proper seaside because there were no donkeys!

MrsF is cleaning and tidying the house so the burglars went think she is drunk, a slut and an unfit mother. I am leaving the Land rover at Toulouse airport in the vain hope that somebody might nick it. In the words of Kylie “I should be so lucky”

Arrivederci mes amis.

Ps This has been done in a right hurry so exuce any typos, not that I give a fat frogs arse.

2 Responses to “Summer Holidays”

  1. Danny says:


    Good to see that Insanity has been restored.

  2. Nicky and Drew says:

    Happy Birthday Julia, Love Nicky & Drew xxxxxx

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