Stripes

People often confuse pussy for cats. They are not one and the same.

I like pussy but am not over fond of cats. We have two cats who live outside and whom I tolerate, just.

Cat number one is a female called Vodka. The name of the cat is nothing to do with me and has not been influenced by my recent medication. I said we should call it Poxy.

The second cat is her son and is called stripes. Individually they areOK but they dont get on to well together as a rule of thumb and are greedy little beggars who make right racket when hungry.

Being a male we had decided to have Stripes done when we got back from our hols in Feb. However the day we were going away Stripes turned up at out place looking slightly the worse for wear. Actually he looked a lot worse for wear and his tail was looking in pretty sorry state and he looked as if he had a one sided argument with a tractor or some other agricultural machine and come a distant second.

The day was saved by Mrs Roynie who called in to make some final arrangements about meeting up with the kids for skiing. MrsR being a cat lover as opposed to pussy lover took pity on Strips and offered to take him to her vet who could sort out the tail and “do” him at the same time. A deal was struck and the hapless Stripes was captured and sent off to his fate and kiss his balls good bye. I have to be honest as a bloke I did feel a pang of guilt but only for few seconds.

The following evening Mrs Roynie rang to say that the operation had gone weel and that Stripes nuts had been taken off but alas his tail was badly broken and the only option was amputation leaving him with a bloody stump.

Poor old stumpy no nuts as he was quickly renamed needed a fair bit of after care and once again MrsR came to the rescue and took nutless to her place until we got back and she looked after him very well.

We picked him up as soon as we got home and you know, the funny thing is that he and Vodka his mother have actually got on much better since the chop.

Everyone loves their mum but in this case we suspect the worst!

Having said that I was sent the following witty dittyn over the weekend by Delboy – you know the bloke, one of my oldest colleagues and friends who  found a skimpy thong up the sleeve of his coat when he came to visit us last year!  Turned out to be his daughters.

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming y our food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.  I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.  Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. 
 If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. 
 I cannot stress this enough!
   
To pacify
 you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:


To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets: 
 

1. They live here. You don’t.
 
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur-niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.   

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than a lot of kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends 

7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gaz illion dollars for college, and…
 
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

 

2 Responses to “Stripes”

  1. clarissa says:

    Delboy’s daughter’s thong in his jacket?!!! Yowzer! 🙂

  2. enidd says:

    wow billy, like the number 49 bus. no posts for months, then two come along at once. did enidd’s other comment ever make it? Her one key has broken , and your sum thing asked her to add ten and four. very impossible.

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